Forced Into Humility, Vulnerability & Innocence in 2018

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Mine are not the usual New Years Resolutions. Leading up to the New Year I have been brought to my knees by the necessity of being more humble, vulnerable and innocent … just in time for winter solstice, the turn to increasing light which precedes the new year.

Let me explain: For many years I have been on the spiritual and self growth path, asking the Divine Source of Universal Life to show me the Truth for the evolution of my Soul. I don’t always like what I get but I don’t have a choice. Like many of us I came in hard wired for this path of self examination. Thus when I am presented with challenging dreams, situations, people or physical symptoms, I assume these are dark gifts from the divine, opportunities for growth and I TRY to surrender and explore. …  And at the same time I am miserable, bitch and moan or panic until I eventually remember and surrender. I am a slow learner.

Some time in September I was burdened with a mysterious eruption of small red itchy bumps all over my body, especially emanating out of my solar plexus/ heart in front and back upper spine area. The prickly relentless itch was everywhere worsening at night so I could not sleep, even the palms of my hands and soles of my feet burned and itched. I was suffering. Besides going to the primary care doctor and dermatologist who did not know the cause and gave me pills and creams that made it worse. I spent the sleepless nights on the internet reading about all the horrors that may be attacking me and covering my self with all sorts of natural and unnatural creams and concoctions.  I was suffering. October came and went and nothing worked. I had thought my strong will, fierce desire and busy research would prevail …. but to no avail.

One day in utter misery, while imploring my spiritual healer ( who is no longer on this planet), I surrendered to the possibly of never healing and had a good sobbing session. I realized that I was always cocky about my good health and felt a kind of superiority over people who got sick. If only they would take good care of them selves as I do and have a healing spiritual practice and guide (from the other side) as I do. Now this experience was forcing me to be more humble and compassionate with others.

I also realized that I had let my healthy eating habits lapse thinking my self  invulnerable to symptoms and wanting more sweet treats and spice to fill the hole of loneliness and isolation. I just moved to a small town alone where I did not yet have a close friend or family. I was lapsing into unhealthy habits like eating dinner at 10 and going to bed at as late as 3:30 or later, hearing the rooster crowing while I was writing.

Louise Hey says skin itching can represent “Desires that go against the grain. Unsatisfied. Remorse. Itching to get out or get away.” All of the above could fit my life. I wrote down her suggested affirmation, “ I am at peace just where I am. I accept my good, knowing all my needs and desires will be fulfilled.” Reading and saying this affirmation brought me to tears so I knew it was needed. I believe this affirmation is true, I believe that “all my needs and desires “can be” fulfilled”, but a deeper layer in me, still lingering from childhood ( and perhaps previous lives), does not fully believe my needs and desires “will be” fulfilled.

It is said that as long as we live deeper layers of the same issue/ lesson periodically come to the surface to be further resolved ( in my case, need for control, for power and superiority). Now the need for humility, vulnerability, and innocence has literally come to the surface, my skin.

In early December, I took my own medicine and did a painting of my condition. I felt like I was a caterpillar in a cocoon, in the metamorphosis stage when the caterpillar is a soupy mush of “imaginal cells” not yet  manifested as butterfly. I painted over a previous detailed, colorful long vertical painting of figures, with thick large brushstrokes of black and white paint in a mush of crude strokes suggesting body and bone parts, covering the colorful detailed complete painting below. I added a red heart. This painting, accompanied by haunting sounds and contorted movement fully expressed the state of scary metamorphosis, affording me a kind of release and security in the midst of the storm. The emerging figure in the chaos spoke to me, “ This is necessary, you will emerge transformed.” Her name is Olivia, the same as my 13 year old indigenous granddaughter. The painting is not finished.

Recently, as my skin was beginning to clam down with the help of Chinese Herbalist, painting, surrender and prayer, my closest adored childhood friend (and cousin) unexpectedly apologized to me for stealing my equally adored boyfriend in 7th grade …. A painful event and betrayal which I never forgot from 65 years ago. This disclosure started me thinking, as I often do, about what has kept me from remarrying or even having a romantic partner at this time in my life. I understand many of the complicated and reasonable reasons but I saw it from a different perspective now, which related to being rejected by my own skin.

Basically, this betrayal was one of many in my early life that caused me to believe that no one was to be trusted, not woman friends or male lovers. My need to feel superior, in control, take the moral high ground and be in power over others comes from need to protect myself, but also keeps me from having the comforts of personal closeness I really desire. Thus my necessary New Year intentions for vulnerability, humility and trusting innocence. I have put these wishes in ceremonial ritual fire.

Snakes periodically shed their old skin as they grow. Snake is an important personal Totem for me and like Snake, I feel I am growing new skin as I go through this deep essential transformation from needing to be in power to allowing vulnerability. So the old saying, your best Gold is in your worst wounds is true. And I am here to help you mine your Gold, as I continue to mine my Gold. I wish you a transformational 2018.

Love and Bless, Aviva Gold